Story store

First of all, if everyone wasn't so constipated
I would not be me.  So being me I am going to tell you your number right now.
It's 9 9 99.

But that's not why I'm posting.
Story store is open.

Just in case stupid wins so we have to see Earth hit
again, lots of people will be thinking, not saying,
"I thought"  and then WHAM!  But he who says
"I think" will be giving Shakespeare a good idea;
I think therefore I am.
But splitting the proceeds will not be an option.

I'm a what?